The good, the bad, and the UGLY

Tonight as I sit at the computer posting I question so many things. I started this blog as a way of updating family and friends. I never expected that I would be sitting here after writing four hundred and sixty-eight posts, posting. The truth is this blog should reflect it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly. This my friends is the ugly.

The self-pity surrounding the wait can be so encompassing. Why me? Why now? Why? I guess the loss of not having our little one around this holiday is really starting to settle in. I keep wondering just when will he or she arrive. I think the holidays have been especially hard this year because so many of us have been waiting for such a long time. Its hard to find the positive. I know I am past being angry, frustrated, and disappointed. Now I am just numb. I do my best to keep up a strong front, stay busy, distracted. But every now and then it hits home, it hits hard, and there is no where to go to run from the loss of that special longing that can only be fulfilled when our little one arrives.

I have so much to be grateful for and yet I find myself incapable of accepting the helplessness of the situation. I constantly question myself, should we have started sooner, started a concurrent adoption in another country. The answer is still the same. I know in my heart that there is no way that I could have done it any differently but I just don't want to wait anymore. Really, what more can I or you do to show we are willing to wait, whether it be patiently or impatiently. Every month I become more detached and less connected to the wait...until...the pain of the wait hits home, hits hard, and once again I am left with no where to run from it. There is only so much you can do to escape it.

The rumors can get to you. The idea that somehow I will once again be disappointed. Lose the opportunity to parent after waiting..well.. I just can't think it possible.

The length of the wait has put our lives on hold. Its taken away time with our child. It has created the largest PINK elephant in the room that I have ever seen.

Today while spending a great day with my nieces, sisters, Dad, and Stepmom we started discussing all these happy and wonderful events that are going to take place next year. I had a great day and then I got home.

When it happens you can't prepare, it just hits hard.

The ugly.

I pray our little one is a part of our lives next year. I just don't want to think of another holiday without our child. I think part of accepting the helplessness is acknowledging it. So here it is, all out there.

I really want to get back to the happy posts.

2008 just has to be our year.