Also known as...Adoptee Panel Discussion

This afternoon I attended an Adoptee Panel discussion sponsored by my local FCC (Families with Children from China). The panel was comprised of Korean Adoptees. It was one of the most informative panel discussions I have ever attended. It was also an emotional one as well for both the panel and the audience. Their honesty about their experiences helped me as a waiting parent. There were so many things that I learned. Here are a few that really stood out:

Every adoptee experience is unique. The way they find out about their adoption, how much is known about their birthparents, reasons why they were put up for adoption, as well as how they process this information.

Not every adoptee is ready and/or wants to find their birthparents.

Where you grow up is a big deal for a trans-racial adoptee. How you are viewed. How you view yourself. How you identify with your community.

Parental support in the form of open communication is very important.

Introduce as many adoptive cultural activities, camps, language classes as you your child can tolerate. It is not necessarily the culture aspect that will hook them but the opportunity to get to know other adoptees that will. These opportunities will forge friendships and a nework of support when your child is unable to come to you for help. It is easy to give in to your child's desire not to particpate in these types of activities, DON'T give in. They will thank you later for it!

Show an interest in their birthplace as well as culture. Provide opportunities to explore their culture together as a family. Incorporate it.

Introduce the term adoption early on in an age appropriate way so it becomes a part of everyday life. Not something to avoid or surprise your child with later on.

Unless you are adopted you can not understand fully what your child is going through. Respect it. You can't change it or them.

Be open and receptive to their feelings. It is the one thing they can control. Remember your child didn't choose to be adopted.

Don't be offended when your child goes to someone else for help. Try to put yourself in their shoes. They love you and don't want to hurt or upset you. Be yourself and be there for them. They will come to you when they are ready.

Just because they don't talk about their adoption does not mean they are not thinking about it. Keep talking, provide opportunities for discussion. It (their adoption) doesn't go away just because they aren't talking about it.

You are not in competition with their birthparents. However, their birthparents are still a part of their history. The birthparents role in your child's life will be decided by your child not by you.

When the search is over for a birthparent there is a lot for your child to process. Give them time to process. Be supportive. It is a difficult process that may lead to rejection, disappointment, anger, and an never-ending frustration when a search fails. Not all searches lead to closure or a positive outcome.

Stereotypes and discrimination can come in many different forms. It can come from adults and even from within your child's culture itself.

Examples:

Hurtful comments made by the parents of your child's friends.
Cultural differences between your child and other children of the same ethnicity.
Teacher expectations based on stereotypes.

Be HONEST.

How you handle situations affects how they handle them as well. Remember you are not just a parent but a role model as well.

Empower your children by example.

And never forget that you are your child's Mom or Dad. No one can take that away from you. Trust it, trust your child.