Questions.....

Here is how the conversation started today at work while my little ones were napping (or at least the illusion of napping anyway):

Remember when you told me about that ..... you know.... what you are pursuing....

Are you talking about my adoption.

Well, yeah...

Ask me anything.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Well, okay. Do you know if you will have a girl or boy?

No, I honestly don't know.

Is it okay to talk about it? I just found out a relative is adopting from China and I would never have known it if I hadn't brought you up. I think its really cool.

I love talking about it. I'll admit that it used to bother me when I was asked about the adoption. It didn't bother me that someone asked. It felt good to know that we were in the thoughts of that person. What bothered me was that I didn't have an answer to the one inevitable question that came up.

WHEN???????????????????????????????

I then explained how I can now understand why its better to say nothing at first. I explained how long our wait has been. That it is not just the twenty months that we have been logged in at the CCAA. You have to add on the whole paperchasing process, the years that it took to make the decision. The wait really is so much longer than many realize. I don't even like to bring up how long it REALLY has been. Because then you are only faced with a new line of questions and who can be bothered.

But who could have foreseen how long the wait would be. I was under the illusion that the whole adoption process from log in date would only be ten to twelve months. I think back now to how naive I was.

I also ask myself how could I have made it this far without the support and love of my friends and family?

Thinking back to the adoptee panel I attended this weekend, I know that there will be so many things I will not fully understand about what it feels likes to be an adoptee.

AND please don't shoot the messenger, I'm having a selfish moment.

I just wish for once that my wait could be acknowledged as being difficult, heart-wrenching, and heart-breaking. I know its not the same but I want our child to know that he or she was so important that we would WAIT forever.

AND of course, I really want to know the answer to that inevitable question...

WHEN?