Reflecting

Last month we missed the cut-off by one date and I had thought nothing could be worse than missing by one date. Well, I was wrong. Friday was by far the most difficult day I have encountered during this entire journey.

For a more than a week my emotions were on overdrive. I had embraced the idea that it was finally happening. We were going to be a family; we were finally going to see a picture of our little one. We would have a face to go with our dreams; it seemed so within my reach. For reasons beyond our control our referral date was not received by our agency. We are one of a number of families affected. It happens, rarely, and yet somehow that knowledge does nothing for me.

Life is full of disappointments and my life has been no different. I say that not out of self-pity. It is my reality and that reality led me to reflect on all that I have been through in the last few years.

There is one milestone that appears fresh in my memory and for some reason I feel it was meant to prepare me for Friday.

Eight years ago, I took the plunge and decided to pursue a promotional exam. It was going to be my only shot at advancement. It was an all or nothing exam. If I failed it, I would not take it again. I studied hard, sacrificed time with family and friends to achieve this goal, and then 9-11 happened.

Everything went on hold and I was reminded of what was important.

In February of 2005, I finally had my chance to take the exam. I remember the weeks leading up to it. I was a mess, emotionally and physically. I placed so much pressure on myself to do well. I took the exam and believed I had passed but would not know for months.

I waited and waited.

Almost six months later, the list or ranking came out. I did well and knew I had a chance of making the first training class. Three weeks later, on a Thursday, the first class was announced and I did not make the cut (or so I thought).

The next morning, I received a call from a friend inquiring why I had been “passed” or “skipped”. I was shocked to hear that there were other candidates with lower scores ahead of me. I made a few inquiries, called a few friends, and found out that I had been accidentally left off. It was a clerical error that would hold me up for at least another month. I went home that Friday afternoon, totally discouraged.

I spent the weekend in total frustration questioning why.

On Monday, close friends rallied behind me and made a little noise. I had pretty much given up and resigned myself that it wasn’t going to happen. Later that evening, I received a phone call and was told to report the following day for training.

The impossible had become possible.

Life is a journey and not a destination. Every disappointment reminds us what really matters. I am done questioning why. Our little one just wasn’t ready for us. I am moving passed this and on to the celebrations taking place all over the world. This past Friday, friends I have made during this journey received news that they had been waiting what feels like forever for. I am going to join them in celebrating.

It can and will happen again for me. The impossible will become possible.

We will receive our referral; it is just going to take a little longer. We hope to hear more this week. In the meantime, thank you for your support, emails, posts, and kind words. They mean more than you can know.